Each day I have found myself thinking of you. I have felt my heart call out to you. I have wanted you and needed you. I have smiled with tears in my eyes. I have laughed and choked on a sob. I have loved you with every feeling of hate..
I have felt this desperate longing for you. I have thought of you when I woke up and as I slept. I have seen your face in my dreams. I have felt your arms around me in my fantasies. I have heard your voice calling out to me in the silence.
And I have realised that there’s nothing I can do about the fact that I love you. Nothing except just to let that love flow. Love is the most precious thing. It is the very essence of our being. It is God in His perfect form. it is the Universe in completion. And it is this flowing through me.
Love is beautiful. Yet it can also be agony. Love is heaven. But it can also be hell. For you I have tasted both heaven and hell. Both paradise and purgatory. I have had my entire world destroyed and rebuilt and destroyed again.
I have been filled and emptied at the same time. I have been left desperate and content. I have soared into the sky and plummeted into the abyss.
And at the heart of all this remains my love for you.
Not a love that can be measured or weighed. Not a love that is with reason or logic. Not a love that is with condition. The kind of love that allowed a Father to let His Son be crowned with shame and spite.The kind of love that shed blood for weak, lost souls. Perhaps not a love from such a perfect being, but a perfect love as a broken soul could give.
I have long tried to deny you this love. In the argument that you do not deserve it. Neither do you reciprocate it. Therefore how could you deserve it. So I have tried to kill it in anger and pain and bitterness.
But it is not mine to give or withhold. It is not a force I can control. It is not a power that is even within my bounds. It just is.
All I can do is let it flow. All I can do is release it upon the Earth.
Perhaps if you see it not, perhaps if you know it not, perhaps if you want it not, I will learn to live with it. Perhaps I will learn to rejoice in it’s transforming nature over every other being, even if not the one I desire. Perhaps I can believe that the sun is just a bit more golden, that the sky is just an inkier blue, that the grass and the trees are that much greener, because I allowed the purest part of me to live and be free.