Wishful Thinking of A Stupid Girl.

I had a short sit down with a workmate yesterday, feeling all hungry and depressed because of what we all concluded to be because of the oppression we had experienced up until this point in our lives as young inters barely making a thing. Well, some of us more than others on the oppression thing, some of us being me, I thought I was worse off for sure, but I may never know for I don’t really want any sort of relationship, even a good one, with this workmate.

Now let me help you understand my position. Recently got kicked out of places that I called home, not that I’m complaining, it’s just the nature of life, mostly my life, where things like that happen and no one is really shocked. Well, except people who are new to me.

Anyway, life’s been real for a minute, and for me that’s okay because all my life I’ve been struggling for things, relationships, jobs, families that were not going to work and I know it now. So I got this new thing where I say, it be like that sometimes, and I let it go.

In between psychiatrist charges in his Nairobi where smokies are not even 20 bob anymore, who has that money. If they did and they gave it to me I still wouldn’t pay for a shrink, there some kicks I saw in backyard that I know would elevate my career just by the way I would walk in them, I mean who can deny the confidence of a strong beautiful, intelligent, overpraised as a child, black woman? 

My step mom is a judge, I want to put it outside there so that you see that at home they aren’t doing to badly, if I didn’t, would I even be a luo, let alone Kenyan? My dad, congratulations to him, just opened a law firm. He recently told me that I needed a psychiatrist. Something about petty issues that I shouldn’t be holding on to anymore, and in any case, who has time {new law firm}. Something about I’m making my parents scared to talk to me. I don’t get it, they’ve been talking my whole life, wonder what’s scaring them now. Sorry I didn’t mean to come off as bitter.

Basically I’m so used to things not working out that I just live apologizing. That went sideways, I’m again, sorry I didn’t mean to put you in this weird mood I’ve created, you know me, I’m a funny girl who writes happy stories, most of the time… sometimes, listen, I write! So onto happier matters, I’ve finally decided to continue writing my erotica, that book bound that I felt was too much for me at the time, I think I bit too much, I’m ready now, pumped with ideas. Definitely going to turn some of you on, yes you, I am still speaking to you bro.

Anyway, my workmate. We are having lunch, a free lunch that the big man gives us, that my girlfriend is very envious of. Well, I am grateful too because in between 300 bob for lunch in 30 days that translates to 9k which is actually above my salary, sorry, stipend is the word they used when they inducted me. That’s before diner and transport. I haven’t mentioned rent have I? I’m just trying to understand how other people are doing it, damn adulting has to be really difficult, judging from all the adults that are hypertensive. Notice how that number is significantly smaller for kids, I will not mention anything else. {The kids want to eliminate us, I’m starting a support group for anyone like minded, lets meet at the corner at 3am it is not safe out here, children everywhere.}

I’ll also have you know while I type this I am going from happy to confused to funny, that could be because I am watching a hilarious series and typing so everyone thinks I’m doing serious manufacturing stuff that is very important and is the very foundation of this company, in fact I might throw in a cringe at the screen to remind them that without me this company may actually not make it throught the day let alone the fiscal year. You have to try you know. 

Binadamu ni kujiamini bro. For the third time, the intern!

He says to me,

kwani ukiingia huko hutaiba?”

We are talking about the government and how there are some corrupt individuals and that they donate like 10 mil to their church. I’m thinking well that explains the number of choppers and jets that the men of cloth have been procuring. I mean, who doesn’t want a jet though? I could use some air. What are the chances that I will ever get one, I have to tell you, they are very slim, didn’t I tell you about the lunch thing and how I definitely will not be able to afford it, that’s just lunch.

At least I have my brain which I find to be very interesting. Some might go so far as to call me intelligent, others find me dumb, whichever, at least I have my degree right? Because all people that graduate in this country get jobs, {insert ugly laughter.} All the same I’m not academically challenged so that’s one on my court, oh I also know how to use excel, this happened yesterday when I got an assignment and I almost died. Well thank God for google, I should also probably thank the founders too and a pretty girl that lit my path. You must also be wondering why I am clearly computer deficient but that is none of your business love.

Point is, I would love to live in a good place, like walk to work, bike back at 8pm and jump into my bed with shoes on like in Australia or something. I’d love more than ten people to be able to afford a jet, I mean people that I know. I’m so tired of the regular broke story. Unemployment and the sixty years it takes for people to finally pay off loans and mortgages. I really cannot stand that narrative any longer. Why then would this regular denguar thinking that if were in office I’d steal. I also don’t understand this thirst for money just for you. When I think of how badly I want my entire crew in Jamaica or Trinidad and Tobago, maybe even just Zanzibar, don’t you worry about my destination, once again, none of your business. I will definitely not do the ‘God when?’, because by the day the situation gets worse. In between the graft and the lies and just good old fashion oppression, for lack of a better word, when would the jet come. The opportunities that we thought we had, gone. I was so hopeful.

When will we have the actual good things out if life. I mean except the alcohol we drain in the clubs and all the illegal sheesha. How long before we have pretty trains and clean streets. Before we can have financial security as a unit? Man I’m tired of feeling this hopelessness. I’m tired of more bad news and more women reps that I may have stood up for only for them to be yet another lightskin daft that jumps on any train to “increase our salaries” anga employer wants to give me a raise in twitter. I am the employer I voted you in, I definitely don’t have the capacity to give a rich man a raise. Maybe I am actually in need of a shrink. Recently someone was adviced by statehouse that they might be depressed. Wonder what caused that, he was trying to break into some drunk’s house and it was a whole issue. Blown out of proportion if you ask me, but I realize that you are not. 

I just wish my girlfriend and I could hold hands and take a nice long trip out of this place but that is not even something the government can talk about, lest we make them uncomfortable. Honestly my biggest fear is getting jailed or hurt I wouldn’t be the first would I? 

The beauty of life though, is that it be like that. I’ve been in very low moments but I came out of it glowing, as I am glowing these days happy and sated all day long. I’m thinking straight and I know there is a way out of the pit because while sometimes I think its the wishfull thinking of a little girl, a stupid girl that needs mental help, according to some, but then my rational mind tells me we can. Gaddafi was a little boy and what he did for he’s country was huge, he might have taken power for significantly longer than he was supposed to, some might even call him a dictator, but once again it be like that. This is Africa. I just want to know for how long we will be in the pit. Which of us should take responsibility and stop it, ama we continue sitting and wishful thinking that we’ll marry a rich white dude to take you to Ireland? Wake up, you’ll piss yourself nanii.

Lets agree, lets make a pact, that we aren’t giving these people more chances. I’m not talking revolt, I don’t think I can fight for shit. One slap and I will lie down flat with my hands behind my head. I’m talking change. We have capacity, all 40 mil of us, some of us are smart others not so much, there is room for improvement lads. Don’t be seated somewhere thinking of how you’ll become an MP in an already dying country and immediately start looting. Something about ‘mtoto wangu lazima aendeshe rover.’ Sit your raggedy ass back down no one wants you as a leader, you lack basic speaking skills, I am speaking like this at 20 something, you will not manage to convince me. Focus on filing those financial records and think of actual ways out of the pit, because I warn you, I’ll be coming for you. I will have the capacity and I will take you down because all these guys had to do was think of ways to lie to us and they have been for thousands of days. 

There is good news though. The good news is that I will be there when my peers are in parliament, and as a self glorified overthinker I want to find a way to break the African curse. We have to move to the next level. I see white people hack into doors and cars, here we are waiting for a small parliamentarian to carry an osofia full of money into a land cruiser to hide it in he’s pillows ati its safe. That is a stupid plan, is what it is.

Lets think outside of poor, old, sad and dark Africa

Via Aduda


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